What I mean is, they have you as a friend, then they find other friends, find you

less of what you were compared to said friends and drop you.


I know a lot of you have been through this. I know I have. How do you feel and what do you do?

:grouphug: :etrain: :cheerleader1:

You realize that the friendship was based on a utilitarian philosophy and move on from it. You're right, we've all probably experienced that type of purely conditional friendship. Sometimes the person is cognizant of what they are doing and other times are too egocentric to see past how they aren't really being a friend. Fundamentally, I'm saying that there are people who are your friend mostly because of your usefullness to them. That is why I said it is conditional and utilitarian in nature.

Once you have lost your purpose or usefullness, they move onto other people who will fulfill what you longer do. It is a sad yet true thing. I would never treat a person like that because to me friendship is so much more than being viewed simply as an option. In the movie "Rules of Attraction", one character labeled himself as an "emotional vampire". I'd liken that to people who base their relationships on only what they want. They are self-absorbed and only interested in the other person being there for them, not the other way around.

I guess I like to think of bonds in all forms just like life: a 2 way street. If you can't compromise enough of your difference as people (especially personality-wise) it's better to move on from it. Especially if the friendship or relationship you have is one sided. It should never be like that. Bonds like that of love and friendship require two empathic individuals who can listen, communicate, and now when to compromise to reach a common ground. If people treat you in that manner, you might think about finding a new romance or friend.

I think there are friendships (or acquaintances) based on lots of things. Sometimes there seems to be a real heart connection. I don't expect these friendships to end - but if we lose touch for some reason, we can pick up years later right where we left off.

Some friendships are based on close proximity - such as schoolmates, co workers, neighbors, etc. It's possible that once we move on to another phase of life, we don't have much of a connection anymore - I've learned to live with this -these folks pass through our lives for a time - but usually, we move on from each other. Most people have lots and lots of transitional friends and that's just part of life. Most people only have a handful of "heart" friends - that are always with you and would be in a second if you needed them, even if you have lost touch. Those few people in your life are treasures - but don't let the others hurt you when they move on.

I try to determine if someone has the potential to be a "friend," someone who I can trust and open up to, and someone who just wants me to help them. Case in point:

I met someone through a mutual friend, who thought that we would hit it off because we had some things in common. I'll just call her L. L and I would meet for breakfast and talk for hours. It was mainly me listening to her problems and helping her out. She was single and clearly didn't want to be, but had no prospects on the horizon, and was lamenting on that. We met for some time, then she stopped contacting me. I really didn't know what had happened to her, so I called her after a while, and she answered the phone and told me that her boyfriend was over, and cut the conversation real short. So now that she had a boyfriend, she didn't need or want me anymore.

Fortunately, I knew that this was the type of relationship we would have from the get-go, so I really wasn't hurt. I don't mind helping people out, but I do have to make sure they don't suck me dry! She definitely was not someone who I could really trust with my true self, or relax with, or look to for anything. I think it can really help if you can get a feel for that early on.

Now I really cherish my friend S, because she doesn't need me in any needy way; she can function just fine on her own; she is an adult in that way. She and I do help each other out a lot, but not in that needy dysfunctional way. I can trust her and depend on her. She values me for who I am, and will never "trade me in." I value her character. She is a true friend.

Hope this makes sense.

I find this an interesting line of discussion. I have had many friends in my life and each one has had a purpose. It was told to me that everyone who touches your life touches it for a reason, be it good or bad. Most of the times we learn from the experience. I recently had such a "friend" who used personal information in a public forum to intentionally hurt me. He even stated that to everyone. He wanted to hurt me and make me hurt as much as I supposedly hurt him. The interesting part is the crime I committed was that I didn't "defend" him. I apparently "hurt" him because there are people on this board that he has threatened in the past and he felt that I sided with them. I did no such thing, but he swears I did. I can't tell you how much that whole ordeal has affected me. I do know though that I don't regret it as it reminded me that to truly trust someone takes a lot of strength and vulnerability. I know that it will be a long time before I trust any "new" friends again, but that doesn't mean that I don't make new friends, or stop trying to meet people. It means that I will simply be more careful in the future before entrusting them with personal information that could be damaging to me.

Everyone in this world is here for a reason. Not every life we touch is going to be a "best friend forever" nor should it be. We would be liimiting ourselves or so overwhelmed by the emotional ties that we hold that we would go insane. Every friendship is different and every friendship lives and breathes differently. Be careful on judging people till you truly listen to their motivations behind their actions.

Welcome to the Etrain, Sweets!

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Even though it hurts, it sounds like you have a mature attitude about it.

:welcome:

Thanks! A friend told me about this place and I am finding it to be very fun. And Life goes on, ya know. Sometimes you have to pick up the pieces and just keep movin. If you stand still for too long than you never grow or learn anything.

:amen: :yeahthat:

What does it mean for someone to "switch?"

Can a friend of yours not be friends with other people as well? Does there have to be an exclusive OR relationship there? Someone's being friends with someone else as well as you does not mean that they dropped you as a friend. In fact, it is quite the opposite; if they remain friends with you and with the other people it means that they enjoy your company and you should feel loved as a result.

Welcome, Switch! Two new people here today!

Switch, you make a good point. It is very healthy to have multiple friends who have other friends, also; there doesn't have to be anything there to be threatened by. I'm VERY glad my friends have other friends besides me to be with, :rotfl:

I took what Todd meant to be that if you have a friend who makes another friend and then decides to drop you as a friend is a situation that is very hurtful. I don't think he meant that you and your friend can't have other friends; that's how I read it.

wee, that is exactly how I meant it. See, I have never understood the notion that "friendship is fleeting". Time and time again, I have found it that while I am a loyal friend, it seems that once people are through with the friendship they want the "good time". I am not necessarily a good time as I tend to be more serious and I take things seriously. But I also take friendship very seriously.


In the same vein, let me ask you this...

How would you react if the friend of yours engaged in conversation with those who were laughing at you, making a joke account about you and implying that you were a stalker?

I know I would defend my friend first then ask them.

What about you?

Sorry, but to me, being called a name like that is crushing no matter what kind of feelings others may not associate with it. Thank you.

You sound just like this guy on another board I am on that got kicked off for
threatening people and being a general nuisance, ticked people off when he
blabbed information she confided with him, and created many multiple accounts
after he got banned, to 'fix' things with this sweet woman. He uses the same
arguments to justify his actions.

I think a friend should drop someone when that someone wishes that the friend
be raped again. That's what this guy on that other board did. I hope you would
never wish anything like that on a friend.

Is that an appropriate post for a therapeutic thread?


*wonders*


Kim, if you work hard enough, I suppose you can make sure to warm everyone not to be my friend.


Yes, I said that comment to Sweets.

Everyone yell as you will.

*shrug*

Switch is referring to me in her post.

ALERT!!! PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM TODD. HE IS A BRANDED AND CONVICTED MENACE TO SOCIETY. HE IS DANGEROUS. DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD HE SAYS.

DO NOT TRY TO BE HIS FRIEND. HE IS FRIGHTENING.


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