One day George Bush is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"

The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."

Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."

This time Bush says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid responds, "If you and Dick Chenney are on Air Force One and it crashes."

"Right!" says Bush to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"

Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I hope this ones not too 'fresh'..


This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and
they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of
a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is
potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let
me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy
waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was
your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't
put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

:rotfl:

Is the Cat There?

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b%+@h on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

here's another one:

BLONDE JOKES

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

I remember hearing this awhile ago.

President Bush was taking a jog during a sunny morning. He saw a young man on the side of the road with a box. He stopped to see what was going on to find puppies in the box.

He asked, "Were they just born?"

"Yes and they are Republicans", replied the young man. The President smiled, laughed, and then continued his jog.

A few days later, he saw the same young man with the puppies in the box. This time Dick Cheney joined him.

The President asked, "Are these the Republican puppies?"

"No, these puppies are Democrats", replied the young man.

"But, I thought they were Republicans", asked the President in surprise.

"Well, it took them a few days, but they finally opened their eyes!", exclaimed the young man.

that puppy one was funny (even if I AM a republican) har har.:P

http://funnyjunk.com/movies/607/Bohemian+Rapshody/

I love this thread lol.

Here's one I got from my sister this morning:

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
" What type of bra?" asked t he clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
" Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from< B> ."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.< /B>
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

here's one my dad told me that he heard from a friend... (btw that bohemian rapshody was hilarious!)

There's this MAN... who had only ONE arm. He was very very depressed.
'i cant do anything with one arm...' he said hopelessly. So he went to this cliff to JUMP off and KILL himself. But when he looked down, he saw this man jumping up and down, all happy looking. He had NO ARMS at all! how sad for him. Thought the man. So he went down to see the man, who was still happy dancing when he got to him.
'excuse me, but you just saved my life! How can you be so happy with no arms? I mean I only have one, but you have none! How do you do it?' the man asked in amazement. But the only thing the no armed man shouted was,
'MY butt crack ItCHes! My butt crack itches!!! '

ha lol

:rotfl: ..good one.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up ! :rotfl:

Men. Wonder why it takes women so long to go to the restroom?

Here's a few reasons:

you may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public to ilet sea! t because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!! It could save your life!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

26 Things the Movies Taught You...

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: “Enter Password Now.”

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church ,

The Methodist Church , The Catholic Church,

and The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.....

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.



The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.



But--The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.



Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, But they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

My math teacher told us this one...

What did the big flower say to the little flower?

answer coming up soon!

"Hey Bud!"

This is someone I would hire in a second!

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: George Martin

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place?

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what???

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE:
...7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely

A doctor told a fat guy, "You should only eat swimming animals." (Meaning seafoods)

A week later, the doctor called the fat guy to check on him. The maid said, "He's at the pool, teaching the pig how to swim."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NURSE: Is your family in your mind?
MENTALLY RETARTED PATIENT: Of course!
NURSE: (smiled) Where are they?
MENTALLY RETARTED PATIENT: In my mind, are you crazy?

A butcher is 5 ft 9 inches tall.

What does he weigh???? answer in next box

The answer to the question of WHAT does he weigh is

MEAT :think: